How can I know I am dating a Narcissist?

First things first, what exactly is a narcissist?

We've all heard the term thrown around, but understanding it is crucial. NPD is characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. In simpler terms, it's like being in a relationship with someone who sees themselves as the star of their movie, with little room for anyone else to shine.

So, what happens when you find yourself romantically entangled with a narcissist?

At first, it might feel like a whirlwind romance. They sweep you off your feet with charm, flattery, and extravagant gestures. But soon enough, cracks start to appear in the facade. You might notice subtle manipulations, gaslighting, and an inability to take responsibility for their actions. For example, in Crossroads, our protagonist ‘Marina’ is addicted to Nate, “the most charming person [she’d] ever met, an extrovert through and through.” Feeling “comfortable” with the most outspoken individuals in these social situations is enlightening, many of us are left star-struck that such a person is wanting our attention and pining for conversation. This is the high- the indulging, mind-numbing thrill of being with such an outgoing and adventurous individual and, despite the fact they have obvious financial and psychological immaturity, nothing matters when you’re together. 

However, what happens after that grace period?

Whilst a bystander would tell you to walk away, any person who has fallen victim to a narcissist would know it just isn’t that easy. Soon enough, the attention that has kept you entranced is weaponized in different situations to make you feel guilty. For Marina, the first instance was when Nate would prolong answering text messages “to avoid conflict”. Whilst there has to be an element of understanding for people being busy, when should we know where to draw the line? From reading her experience, Marina explains in perfect clarity why withholding communication, especially in long-distance relationships, is so detrimental, as it drives the ‘desire for the wicked,’ and builds a paranoia not to upset your partner. This can go further and develop into a technique for the narcissist to control their significant other, however, Marina offers a different perspective. Whilst she still felt “trapped,” the book develops a sense of self-hood and individual understanding as she grows in front of our eyes and works through the many hurdles Nate continues to throw.

Living with a narcissist can be incredibly isolating.

You can be made to feel crazy, shaking your head and asking the furniture if it hears what you are. The harmful truth of this situation is the narcissistic partner can manipulate and navigate situations to keep their partners both oppressed and dependent on them. For Marina, Nate’s narcissistic tendencies began to heighten when they were living together. Whilst some of her favourite memories occurred living under one roof, the need for validation and the selfish nature he had developed began to destroy their relationship. “Nate was great at talking, not so much with taking action;” a trope that embeds itself into many relationships and stops them from progressing out of toxic cycles. By continually promising someone that you will change, the hope of seeing improvements stays prevalent however, mixed with the fear of silent treatment and the desire to be admired by a narcissistic personality can “create cancer,” and ruin a person’s sense of self.

But readers, I can assure you it’s not all doom and gloom!

Marina reiterates throughout her novel that there are ways to take “the burden of silence” off of ourselves. We should remember there are always people who are happy to listen through hard times; whether it be a family member or best friend, maintaining relationships outside of our romantic ones is crucial to being able to get out of toxic situations. Moreover, whilst a lot of romantic relationships can change a person’s priorities, they should not be the ultimate source of happiness and contentment in their lives. Keep up with whatever hobbies or career goals you have already set because a healthy relationship will be able to survive in any place or time if it’s with the right person! So, as Marina would say, “Remember a reaction is a choice” and your significant other is “a partner, not a pet.”